on the limits of even extreme extroversion

[gosling]

Yesterday I had a glimpse into what I suspect my more introverted friends experience all the time. (And, well, pretty much everyone I know with *maybe* one or two exceptions is more introverted than me.) I never got it before, because I had never experienced it. I don't like being alone unless I am very involved in a project that needs concentration. I find it depressing even when I am in a good mood and my life is being really happy right then. I understood most people needed time and space and quiet away from people, and it was clear to me that was a real and important need. I had never experienced it, not even when I had a baby practically grafted onto my breast and an older child who wanted my constant attention. I have certainly experienced wanting quiet and time to concentrate on something I was working on. I frequently experienced frustration when I really wanted to have a private conversation with someone that kept getting interrupted. I have wanted silence to commune with trees and woods and whatever is beyond, which is the closest I had come to this, but silent people I trusted near me was always fine. It wasn't about being away from people; it was about listening really hard to something beyond people. Needing to be away from *people* (as opposed to needing everyone to leave me alone so I could focus) was not something I think I had ever experienced.

Until yesterday.

The day before yesterday I had an entire day from early morning until way way into the night of extremely intense interaction with several different people in several very different ways.

And then yesterday I was in this deep quiet thinky space, where being alone was tranquil and comfortable and *necessary*. It didn't last that long. By the time it was time to get my kids from school I was very ready to be in the world of people again. But it showed me a glimpse of what most of the people I love best experience on a regular basis and *why* they need that time alone.

Comments

[donnad.livejournal.com]

This is why most people don't see me at cons after the dealer's room closes. I describe it as being "on" all day and just needing to be able to turn off. I am so comfortable in my own headspace all day at home, that when I have to be social for 10 or 12 hours continuously it's exhausting.
Most extroverted people don't get this.

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I always got it intellectually. It was clear it was important to a lot people. For the first time I know what that *feels* like, however.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

And this is why I don't generally go to cons anymore...at least a good part of it...and only the very occasional party.

[persis.livejournal.com]

I think I am one of your extreme extroverts... And I do understand that my not quite so extroverted and introverted friends do need time off.

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I always understood it abstractly. The thing is that being alone is usually so draining and depressing and using of spoons for me that it was hard to intuitively grasp it.

[persis.livejournal.com]

I have been going thru a lot of that (being alone) lately, with all the changes in the house, and it is very hard for me to get things done by myself. I have a TON of decrufting to do, and a hard time getting motivated to do it. You are so right, it is draining and depressing, and I keep running out of spoons too.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

I think you may have hit on something with intensity having something to do with it. My life is pretty intense; it takes all my spoons and then some...occasionally a bit of social is a good thing, but it usually isn't as it appears--it's not that I go for the social (usually), it's that I go because I'm feeling called somehow (and sometimes, I still don't go even when I'm hearing that; it has to be calling kind of loudly, and I have to be up for it).

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

Speaking of extroversion, can you come over Thursday or Friday morning and keep me company?

[gosling.livejournal.com]

Friday would be great! (I am meeting someone for lunch later on, but that isn't until noon or so...)

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

It would be great if you could show up at my house around 10am Friday morning!

[gosling.livejournal.com]

Will do. :-)

[achinhibitor.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahaha! The tables are turned!

on a regular basis

always

[gosling.livejournal.com]

Um, do you ever think about how what you say sounds before you post things? Admittedly I am having a rather horrid evening and am hence completely out of cope, but that is really rather mean-spirited.

[achinhibitor.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if it came off as mean-spirited. I'm not sure that I could have predicted that it might sound that way, though. You describe a state of feeling overwhelmed by all the people, but it's a state that lots of people (including myself) feel a great part of the time, and we notice that American culture is entirely unsympathetic and unsupportive of shyness. You post that for a few hours you had to live like us. (It doesn't seem to cause you any suffering.) I crack a joke about it. Can you bring me up to speed on why that is mean-spirited?

[gosling.livejournal.com]

Clearly from what you are saying you didn't *intend* it to sound mean spirited, and I'm sorry if I sounded really cranky. The way it was written felt like you were saying "I am glad you are suffering", and that is why I found it kind of hurtful, (especially as I was trying to say that I always knew and respected that this was a very real issue for a lot of people and now I feel like I have a deeper understanding).